One Thing Nobody Tells You About Becoming

...it rarely feels inspiring while you are inside it.

Most of the time, it feels like confusion, misalignment, silence, and sitting in a dark hole without answers.

STILLBORNE was my 6th production. I thought Flameborne last year was the culmination of my lifetime of learning. To my surprise, STILLBORNE came along and corrected so many lingering regrets from my past projects.

The venue crisis last year almost gave me a heart attack, which is exactly why it was the very first thing I resolved for this year's production.

For me, the performance itself is only a single slice of a much larger picture. Because I am so close to the production backend, my attention has been focused entirely on cracking the codes of the journey itself. I didn’t just plan an event; I had to compose the entire journey day by day through layers of uncertainty.

Last year, during our second showcase recital prep, our venue suddenly fell through with only 2.5 months left. Without a confirmed space, everything was locked. I couldn’t release critical information to parents or coordinate with our collaborating musicians. I remember the pure panic—it was the Christmas season, and almost every suitable hall in KL was booked out, under-equipped, or the wrong scale. I reached out to 14 different venues in 48 hours until my back physically ached.

Thankfully, we found the Recital Hall at Tutan Entertainment. But it meant moving our date a whole week earlier. I was terrified of losing those two potential extended rehearsals. However, my conducting days taught me a hard truth: rehearsal time is precious, and time is cost. Especially now, when you are the one carrying 100% of the financial risk.

I think the most significant leap was our project duration and backend efficiency, though there is always room to refine the craft. I don’t know if there’s a conventional "right way" to do this. But I chose to trust my intuition. I chose to listen to that quiet, tiny voice, and allowed myself to be just a little more sensitive to it.

I met an acquaintance today, and he asked me how the recital went. I looked at him and said, "My audience came purely for the music."

I didn’t even realize the weight of those words until after the show when my audience tagged me. It was only then that I slowly discovered that the people in that room came entirely for the music itself.

To have strangers discover me on Cloudjoi and take a blind leap of faith to attend my recital — a soprano presenting pop songs 😂 — meant everything. Seeing someone close their eyes and just listen quietly to the entire Bachianas Brasileiras was very moving.

Some of them were actually artists and musicians. For a stranger who is also a musician to come and listen to your work—that is the ultimate validation. Paired with the unwavering support of friends and family who brought their loved ones, the energy in that room was unforgettable.

My deep gratitude to Lee Peng for the thoughtful composition of these frames, Subah for documenting this incredibly intimate afternoon, and Gedeon for constantly holding the fort with me in the background.

Now that the production is safely delivered, I am going to let myself slack off and laze around for just a few days. Once I am fully rested, I will begin editing some very special, raw musical and non-musical moments to share with you all.

For now, please enjoy these quiet fragments of our intimate afternoon.